How to keep a conversation going
Getting into a conversation is one thing. There are socially accepted scripts you can follow: you can ask how they’re liking the weather, or how they know the host, or what they do for fun. But once you’re in a conversation, how do you maintain it? That’s where it gets a bit trickier.
No one likes an awkward pause in the middle of a conversation. We’ve all been there, and if chatting it up isn’t your strong suit, you may cringe at just the thought. Keeping conversations going can be a challenge, especially over text, or if you’re just starting to get to know someone. So, we asked relationship experts to answer all our questions around conversations, from how to start them to how to keep them going.
Here are five tips and tricks from experts to help you next time you experience an awkward mid-conversation silence.
1. Make sure you look interested.
Nothing kills a conversation faster than a face that says, “I’m waiting for this conversation to end so I can go do something else.” Make sure you look alert and interested. Don’t scan the rest of the room over your conversation partner’s shoulder, try to maintain an appropriate amount of eye contact, and — as Susan RoAne, speaker and author of What Do I Say Next? told the Cut — don’t check your phone, even if you just got a text. “Because your message in that situation is, Oh, I don’t even know what this is, but it’s more important than talking to you.”
2. Don’t discount small talk.
Small talk has a bad reputation, but it can both keep a conversation going and lead to bigger things. So go ahead — talk about the news, what your plans are for the weekend, and the things you do for fun. “We have to earn the right to have deeper conversation,” RoAne told the Cut. “And we do that through having had enough little conversations that connect us and make us feel comfortable with each other.”
You might be inclined to cut through the small talk and offer something personal, in an attempt to get the other person to feel safe getting personal with you, too. Christopher Gottschalk, author of How to Start and Make a Conversation, warns against this. “More often, unfortunately, this results in your getting too personal before the other person is comfortable with you.”
3. Listen actively.
Make sure you’re really listening to what the other person is saying, rather than just waiting for your turn to talk. What do they seem to be interested in? What do they want to talk about? “Instead of coming with an agenda, listen to what someone is enthusiastically talking about, and ask a question about it,” RoAne said “When you listen actively,” Gottschalk wrote, “you are signaling that you are taking the conversation and the other people in it seriously. They will participate more in the conversation as a result, and everyone will benefit.”
4. Ask open-ended questions.
Don’t fall into the trap of asking a series of yes-or-no questions. This makes it too easy for the conversation to stall, and too easy for your conversation partner to feel like they’re being quizzed. Instead, focus on open-ended questions. Debra Fine, author of the Fine Art of Small Talk, recommends the question “tell me about you,” because it allows the other person to take the lead, decide what they want you to know, and go from there.
This can lead to what Gottschalk calls the “ripple theory of conversation.” Like the ripples that occur when a rock is tossed into the lake, take their conversational cue and let it lead to something broader, and something broader, and something broader. For example, if you’re talking to a coworker, maybe you can talk about her specific job, then the company, and then the industry as a whole.
5. Stay calm, and practice.
Try not to feel nervous. Even if you’re not naturally gifted at conversation, as long as you remain kind and interested your conversation partner will likely leave with a positive impression. And, like anything else, becoming a skilled conversationalist takes practice. So get out there and chat.
Getting the conversation started.
Conversations are going to look different depending on who you’re talking to and how close you are, but generally speaking, it’s always good to have an idea of why you want to have the conversation in the first place.
“Get clear about your own motives for starting the conversation,” couples’ therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, explains to mbg. “Are you motivated by pure curiosity? A desire to get to know someone better? A desire to build a stronger friendship? Do you have a specific goal in mind […] like a job interview?”
When you’re clear on your motive, she says, you can be open about it. People will naturally wonder why you’re striking up a conversation, “and being clear about it from the start creates trust,” she says. For example, if you were reaching out to a CEO on LinkedIn, you can explain from the get-go that you hope to work together. Or if you’re on a dating app, simply telling someone you’re interested in getting to know them can go a long way.
“Being upfront with people about your motives for starting conversations may feel vulnerable,” Muñoz adds, “but others often experience it as clarifying and refreshing. It fosters a genuine connection.”
Tips to keep things going:
Get curious.
Try to display genuine curiosity in the person you’re talking with. Licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.DLMFT, CST, tells mbg, “I’m curious” is one of her favorite phrases. Think of questions like “I’m curious about you…” or “I’m curious what you think about…” etc.
“People love to talk about themselves, and that ‘I’m curious’ question isn’t a judgment on your part,” Richmond says, “so there’s nothing the other person could get defensive about.”
As Muñoz adds, “Allow another person to experience your curiosity and interest in them. Let go of your agenda.”
Find common ground.
One of the quickest ways to start bonding with someone new is by finding common ground. “If there’s a moment to find synergy with a person,” Richmond suggests, “meaning shared likes and beliefs, that’s always a good way to go.”
It’s worth noting here that certain topics like politics, religion, and other potentially controversial subjects can lead to tension if you don’t already know where a person stands. If you want to avoid potential disagreements, you may wish to avoid such subjects. On the other hand, taking the risk to dive into these tougher topics may pay off if you find you have more in common than not.
Make sure it’s a good time to talk.
Sometimes people may not be the most forthcoming in conversation, and in some cases, this can be because it’s simply not a good time to talk. “If someone doesn’t seem to want to engage in a conversation with you,” Muñoz explains, “you could ask them directly, ‘Is this a bad time to talk? I want to connect with you, but I also want to respect this might not be a good time for you.'” This opens up the door for them to let you know where they’re at, and you should be able to gauge whether they’re interested.
Ask open-ended questions.
Give people a chance to answer open-ended questions rather than giving straight yeses or nos. This is also another way of showing curiosity. As Muñoz notes, “Great interviewers know how to make people feel special by being genuinely fascinated by other people. Ask open-ended questions.”
As you listen, “notice their response without jumping automatically back to yourself, your experience, your interpretations of what they said,” she adds.